Gay marriage has been the hot topic in recent weeks thanks to North Carolina’s ban, and Obama’s vocalized support of same-sex marriages. There were mixed emotions throughout the nation for both. Homosexual and heterosexual couples were pissed in North Carolina. In an attempt to stop the gays from jumping the broom, heterosexual couples who were living under “domestic partnership” qualifications lost many of their rights as well.

My Facebook and Twitter were buzzing. Me being a preacher’s kid, I have a diverse population that I follow on social networking sites. Some were upset. Others didn’t care. But my bible-toting followers were outraged that it was even up for discussion. They plastered all across FB how wrong homosexuality is and how we as gays, were surely going to hell with gasoline drawers on.
I won’t even mention how a lot of these people had kids, weren’t married, and were “shacking up” with their significant others. Nope, won’t even mention that those are also considered biblically wrong. I’ll just keep moving ahead.

How do I feel about it? As a lesbian, I’m pissed off. Not so much about the ban, even though it is disheartening. But what really grinds my gears, is how vocal people have become over something that has no effect on their lives. Don’t believe in gay marriage?! Then don’t marry somebody gay. Simple as that. I know we’re Americans and we pride ourselves on the freedom of speech, but what happened to equality?! This country was founded on politics…NOT religion.

As a lesbian, I feel like my whole life is always being questioned and voted on. Am I allowed to get married? Will my partner and I be suitable parents raising children in a lesbian home? Can I put my partner on my health insurance? All these are simple questions that aren’t even relevant in heterosexual relationships/partnerships. When these issues are debated, the one rebuttal always comes up…. God says its wrong. My question is: What does my relationship with God have to do with anyone else? If I’m going to hell because of my decision to love women, isn’t that my problem?

As a teen, my preaching pops warned me about the deep pits of hell and its eternal flames. He put oil on my forehead and the whole nine yards. But 13 years later, yep….you guessed it…I’m still gay. There were nights as a teenager I thought I would die. I just knew my small-framed chest would cave in from the weight of heartbreak, loneliness and despair. But the same God people use against me when condemning me to hell, is the same God that saved me.

Being gay in America is the most awesome, yet most hurtful experience one can ever endure. When most people think of gay and lesbian relationships, they think all we do is bone. Despite the rumors and inaccurate media portrayals, the truth is it’s all about love. Just like straight couples, we share love AND intimacy. There are many doors that are closed to me because I’m a woman who loves women, but having the courage to live my life out loud and in living color in spite of what people think, is so fulfilling that it carries me through the rough times.

After years of facing the threats of my parents, church members, words of cruel classmates, and comments from ignorant homophobes, here come the damn politicians. Politicians talk about protecting the institution of marriage. From who? After all, marriage is limited to heterosexual couples and the divorce rate is STILL close to 50%. All I’m saying is, if straight people have the opportunity to get married, have kids on the side, cheat on their partners (down low married men, sleeping with other men, but that’s a whole different blog) and whatever else they choose, can we have as lesbians and gays have the opportunity to fuck it up too?

Whatever happens at the end of all the debates doesn’t affect me one bit, because come August 2013, I will marry my partner of two years. I don’t need a piece of paper approved by the state to tell me our shit is real. In some states, it’s even legal to marry your cousin… just as long as it’s not your gay cousin. Our country is all twisted up. Welcome to The United Divided States of America.

If you’ve been asking what #SAT20s was when you saw it taking a titanium bat to your timeline. Listen up! These past few weeks we’ve explored the topic of cheating and defined relationships along the way. If you’ve never heard an episode before. Feel free to start here!

Cheating Part 1: Download or Listen

Cheating Part 2 & Defining Relationships: Download or Listen

After last night’s episode of #SAT20s, I was compelled to speak on the whole topic of “casual dating”. First off, I have a smooth shoutout to the first person who can actually standardly define what the hell “dating” is and all of the rules that go along with it.

I was informed that my entire attitude, mindset, and definition of what dating is was wrong I get it. Dating is “supposed” to be a time in which you are getting to know a potential prospect, while still exploring your options. Emphasis on “supposed to be”. From what I’ve been told, dating is a time where pretty much…you don’t put all of your eggs in one basket”. It’s kinda like car shopping….test driving different cars until you find the one that truly fits you. I understand that, but here is where I differ from the “majority” when it comes to dating.
I am the type of person who does not like to juggle attention/energy/patience between multiple guys at a time. I barely have the patience and energy to deal with one, let alone having others on my plate. Truth be told…I don’t know how to “casually date”. When I date, I tend to date somewhat exclusively, and not even with the deliberate intentions of doing so. I’m just the type of person that likes to give my full attention to the task at hand, and maybe that’s a flaw and from what I’ve been told..I guess it is.

Maybe I’m at fault for investing my full time and energy into someone that I see potential in, but I will say this…anyone who I don’t deem worthy of my time or attention…I won’t even entertain. I don’t “date” and “talk” to people for the sake of just talking. I actually date with a purpose, so at the end of the day, if I don’t see some type of potential in you to build something long-lasting…then we won’t even make it to the dating stage. After a few phone/text convos, I can pretty much tell what a person is about and if what you’re about isn’t what I’m about, then I will most abruptly chuck up the deuces, (maybe not all of the time, but definitely most).

Maybe it’s the fact that dating and relationships have taken on a completely different meaning with our generation. I am more so “traditional” I guess when it comes to dating. I believe once you begin dating, that is a mutual agreement that you and the other party are exclusive. I’ll just assume that somewhere down the road, the phases of “dating” have been changed to fit current times. What do I mean by this? To me, the phases of dating have become one in the same. Somehow, talking/dating/relationship have been all wrapped up to into one and no one is able to accurately differentiate between the three. So…I have a smooth $500 bill to the first person who can actually define and explain the difference between the phases/levels of dating.

Like I said last night on the show….dating is just too damn stressful. Constantly worrying about if you’re doing too much, or not doing enough. Are the feelings heavier on your end than they are on the other? What are the other person’s true intentions? Wondering why the actions aren’t matching up with the words. Stressful, and almost discouraging, and while I absolutely HATE the current world of dating, I do know that ultimately, I’d like to meet that person that I can truly see myself spending “forever” with; having our soccer team family of kids, with a chocolate Labrador barking in the front yard, and a white-picket fence surrounding our estate.

Slowly but surely, I guess I’m learning how important communication is within the world of relationships, because all of these are issues that can truly be avoided, but until people start talking…I guess we’ll all just be lost.

While real things are happening in the world, I took the time to really think about “all things insecurity” over the weekend. And I came to the conclusion that insecurity happens for different reasons. Whether they be long-standing, deep-rooted insecurities, or something that “came along” after an infidelity or a breech within the trust parameters of your relationship…there’s all types of ways a woman or man can become insecure. That’s not the issue. It’s how we handle those insecurities.

There are a lot of things that are easy to say about insecure people. I used to be one of them, so anything I say will come with a cost of a harsh memory I want to forget. While I have been the pathetic girl you hear about that went through a phone or two in my life and perhaps even took a peek at a twitter account (it’s not snooping or stalking if you forgot to log off from my computer), I have never been the girl who was always attached to the hem of her boyfriend’s garment wondering where my man was or who he was with, thinking it was with someone who had familiar body parts as me. I pride myself in that, but I do know it’s not hard to get to that place.

Everyone has insecurities. Mine have never catered too much to a committed relationship I was in, though. If anything, I was insecure about my future, or perhaps insecure about where I stood with whatever guy wasn’t giving me the attention I needed (partially because I wasn’t demanding it, I was just waiting for it.) I may have been insecure in my looks or in my fashion sense, but the point that I’m getting at is…most of our insecurities stem far beyond the man or woman we may blame for them.

Yesterday I tweeted, “Your insecurities are never his issue.” And my good friend @JamesARComedy asked, “What if he caused her insecurities?” I wanted to say something witty and awesome, but all I could think of is what I would do in the situation. My response was, “In my opinion…. it’s your job to take time to heal yourself. No matter how you got them, you’re the only one who can heal yourself.” Bottom line: If I become too insecure, then I’ll do us both a favor. It’s not fair to either of us. I’m not saying I would totally leave the situation, but I need time to rebuild, and if I do return……. you need to have found ways to strengthen what was broken in our relationship. But there’s no way I can continue to blame someone for breaking me. I’d rather ask how I allowed myself to be broken.

If it gets to the point where every time you leave the house, I’m afraid you’re having a secret rendezvous then perhaps I need to just take a second to realize, that no man, no person is worth me constantly concerned with his whereabouts. Furthermore, I could be occupied with planning my future, planning a business move, or becoming a better person instead of being ready to smell your d*ck when you get home.

I can’t be out here trailing a man on the freeway wondering where he’s going. So if you end up in a situation where there has been an infidelity in your relationship, instead of internalizing it like most of us do, silently and secretly thinking there was something we could have done differently or something we lack, make a promise to work on it, to build trust from here on out or to simply move on. And if you choose to move on, then really move on.

And for goodness sakes, if it’s a problem that stems past the offender, please don’t put yourself in a situation to blame every guy for the insecurities the last one “gave you.” Instead, take responsibility for your own emotions. Take time for you so that this doesn’t happen again; so that you won’t make the same mistakes; so that you’ll notice the signs and be strong enough to avoid them. Because the signs are always there…they always were.

I had to learn to believe people when they showed you who they were. Many of us fall victim to seeing a person’s true colors and painting over them just so we can admire a prettier picture. If you don’t take that time, it’s likely you will begin to subconsciously attract the same men and even worse…the same situation, completing a cycle of definable insanity.

Basically, no bullshit. I’m prone to believe that you are the only one who can convince yourself you are enough. No man, no person can take that from you and they for damn sure can’t give that to you. I’m not an expert, I can only share my journey and I can only give testimony from my own struggle. And this is the one thing I’ve learned along the way: Only insecure people search for security in things that were never meant to be stable.

Let that sit for awhile. It will hit you.

Last week, my handsome president announced that he supports gay marriage. The masses were in a complete uproar! I looked on Twitter and Facebook and saw things like, “Gay marriage is a sin”, “Gay marriage is disrespectful to the institution of marriage”, blah blah blah blah. I understand the reasoning for being against gay marriage, however, I do NOT agree with it.

People kill me using the “Holy Card” to as a means to justify being against something they just do not understand. The same people who preach that homosexuality and gay marriage is a sin, are the same holy-sinners who most likely fornicate, masturbate, or had children out of wedlock. I do not know if you conveniently skipped that part of the Bible, but those are sins too, my dear. However, those are the sins that make sense for YOU to partake in, so it’s ok right?

There are so many things that we humans do that are against Biblical standards. We get drunk on the weekends (and before you rebuttal, its not a sin to drink, but drunkenness is) we smoke hookah, we wear tight as ever clothes that show off our beautiful curves and cleavage etc., and cover our bodies w/ the most detailed of tattoos. These all are simple things, however, the Bible says that our bodies are a temple and we are to treat it as such, right? Well in this case, aren’t we all sinners? Yes, everyone is, and in many different ways! Therefore, who are we to throw shade toward the gay community and label them as sinners? The fact that “Christians” even shun and think they are better than homosexuals is a shame. The same Bible that you guys use to justify discriminating against gays and homosexuals, is the same exact Bible that teaches love, and to treat one another like brother’s. But I guess I misread, it said “some people” huh? Nah.

We, African Americans…have been discriminated against for lord knows how long. We know firsthand how it feels to not have basic human rights. There was once a time when we could not attend school, vote, work, etc, based on our skin color. In my opinion, that’s no different than denying people’s right to marry, just because we do not approve. We called those who hated us due to our skin color “ignorant” . This is no different. Those who are against gay marriage are ok with denying basic human rights, just because they do not understand? Oh no, because it goes against the institution of marriage, right? Well ma’am, divorce, goes against the institution of marriage, along with adultery, and marrying for the wrong reasons. There are people who are getting married as publicity stunts now a days! But we’re against two people who genuinely love each other getting married because they are of the same sex? Why aren’t we protesting against that bullshit? Why isn’t there someone protesting against divorce? Or offering solutions to the high divorce rates, or people getting married for the sake of legal citizenship? Instead people are picking and choosing just how they want to preserve the holiness of marriage. Where were all the “Christian” pro-holy-marriage folk when young 10-year-old girls in the Middle East somewhere are getting sold to a middle-aged man for marriage?! Instead, we’re worried about same sex marriage that doesn’t even affect you! Way to prioritize guys.

I’m sorry this is kind of a rant, but I am just disturbed with all the new “Christians” who appeared when gay marriage was the topic. I just do not understand how people use the Bible as a means to hate a group of people. I don’t get it. But before I go, let me just remind you people who are holier than thou and hate sinners: Jesus rolled with Mary Magdalene, she was a prostitute, something to think about.

Ps. If gay marriage is so disturbing to you, don’t be gay, and don’t get married. Simple as that! No need in preaching on an issue that doesn’t even affect you.

Chill.

I’m out!

There are various reasons as to why men cheat. We, as men, are “hunters”. By hunters, I mean we seek out, chase and take down our “prey”. It sounds animalistic but it’s the truth. A few reasons why we cheat can range from lack of sex in a relationship and the monotony of it, to looking for certain qualities in someone else that your spouse doesn’t already have.

Men get a rush out of the idea of the challenge to knock a different woman off that’s not their partner. Some men don’t have the willpower to turn down random box, and it definitely takes a man with strong willpower to stay faithful. That’s where finding your soul mate comes into play. When you find your soul mate, you won’t look to others to fill any voids you have, because she will fill them all.

I do wanna make it clear though…NOT ALL MEN CHEAT. I’ve never cheated on any of my girlfriends when we were together. Now…when we weren’t together but still “working things out”, yes, I did venture off a little bit. Then there are some men that just really have a problem with commitment. I have friends like that. They seriously don’t know how to not cheat, and sex is so easily accessible that they think, “hey why not”. And actually, the easily accessible box is the underlying reason as to why men cheat. It’s nothing for a man to go out and hand pick a harlot for the night.

Another reason men may cheat, is because some women ration the box out. If you have a set schedule as to when your man can get his rocks off, you might fall victim to being cheated on. A man might also cheat because your sex drive has changed. Y’all might’ve went from having sex every day, to 3 times a week. That’s a great reason why men cheat. The final reason is this…a man might cheat because he is no longer sexually attracted to you. Maybe you picked up a few pounds or maybe you just don’t wear that sexy shit anymore, anything . Men are fickle like that.

There’s a laundry list of reasons as to why a man will cheat, no one really knows. But hopefully I gave you some insight.

Last Tuesday we had a blast with the homie @The_Rell and we discussed everything dealing with friends that date. Things got passionate in the studio but with Rell and “the underscore queen” JusTeah that was bound to happen! Listen up!

Listen or Download Here!

Now for all of those who caught the #SAT20s episode last night…keep in mind that this post was written prior to the show lol….now proceed

“Women need a reason. Men need the opportunity”.

I’ve experienced more than enough in this dating world and have seen more than enough to conclude that women typically just need a reason to cheat, while men just need the opportunity, or maybe even a place. Now, before I go any further, I promise that it isn’t my intention at all to bash the fellas….this is merely just my observation and conclusion.

When I listen to stories of women cheating on their partners, more times than not, it is due to something lacking from their current relationship. My personal opinion…women cheat more with their emotions than they do with their bodies.
Case in point: John & Susie have been together for two years. John is a horrible listener and constantly ignores everything Susie says. Then along comes Michael who hangs onto EVERY word that leaves Susie’s lips, and from this point on, Susie confides in Michael and begins a relationship with him in which she mentally connects with Michael via stimulating and responsive conversation. Let’s just be real here people..cheating is NOT just a physical act. Now…I’m not eeeeeeeeven gonna pretend as though there aren’t women out here who cheat on their man for the sake of wanting new peen, I’m simply stating that in many cases, the woman was seeking from one, what was lacking in another. (ie. good listening skills, compassion, or maybe even just a good stroke). And while this may also be the case with men, maybe they too are missing something from the queen that they come home to after a long day at work, but that’s just not the response I get when the question is posed: why do men cheat? The most typical response (if any) that I’ve heard is, “ain’t no p-word like new p-word”. (I despise the p-word so I refuse to spell it out, but for lack of a better word…yeah). The only other response I’ve heard…”we don’t know, we just do”. -___- Now fellas…please feel free to interject at any moment, because I’d reeeeeally like to know the truth.

I used to believe that the only reason a man would cheat was because his partner was lacking in a specific area, but then I saw women who held their men down through it all. They cooked, they cleaned, and even role-played…you name it, they did it…and still, he was found parlayin in the parking lot after the club looking for something to go home with. My question is why?!

Men and women alike, complain that there are no good men/women left out there, but when you have one right in front of you, you do everything in your power to mess that up. As I’ve stated in a previous post, I don’t understand why people cheat. If you’re not happy…LEAVE! I’d rather my partner be real and let me know that I am not what they want/need, then to have me out here looking like a fool and secretly smashing chicks that I frequently exchange lols w/ on Twitter, but that’s just me. I know females who are ok with the fact that their man is in the streets, but as long he “comes home” to you, that means you’re “winning”. I too, once had this mindset..but then I grew up and began to discover my worth. Because at the end of the day…if he’s coming home to you, but smelling like “her”…who’s the real winner there? It’s all about self-respect ladies.

Men and women are both in the wrong when it comes to cheating on their significant other. If you feel that your partner lacks something that you need or desire, whether it be physically, emotionally, or mentally…TALK WITH YOUR PARTNER. It’s amazing what kind of issues can be worked out when you just take the time to converse with one another and express your issues/concerns. Everything stems back to that same word that I posted about several weeks ago…COMMUNICATION is EVERYTHING when it comes to making a relationship work. So before you cheat…talk.

I think the vast majority of us having sex in our 20’s have the dating game completely wrong. I’m not sure if we can blame that on the supposed lack of equally-yoked options running around, or if it’s because we’re just plain stupid and desperate when it comes to holding on to people we invest in simply because, well…we invested in them.

It seems that anytime we think we’ve spent a certain amount of time on someone, we’re somehow obligated to make things work with them. And as far as I can tell, it seems that that very thinking is what has so many women constructing lonely tweets while they’re supposedly in a relationship. I imagine some of you are also venting on Facebook at 4:00 in the AM with a bottle of barefoot moscato and listening to a playlist that consists of Melanie Fiona, Jazmine Sullivan, and Bridget Kelly.

Let me set the stage. You see a man you like; you get to know him a little and he seems great, however, later down the line, you realize you guys’ priorities and goals for the relationship don’t quite match up. He really isn’t on the same pace as you and doesn’t really want the same things you want, at least not at the moment.

There are certain things you require like spending a certain amount of time, having a destination for the two of you. He’s more so of a “kick it with the guys, cross that bridge right before it destructs” kind of fellow. And you’re more of a “I’ll see the girls when I see them, hearing wedding bells” kind of girl. There’s nothing wrong with either of those people…you’re just different. However, most people will stick around and try to wait it out until things look better. Ma’am, for why?

Would you still buy a shirt after you tried it on and realized it doesn’t fit? Would you buy jeans that made your ass look saggy? And lastly, do you pay for a meal if you find a long blonde hair in it?

No.

So for gotdamn sakes, just like you put that medium down and look for a small, look for the man that comes equipped with at LEAST the very basics before you make that an investment.

Here’s the thing. We know that it’s been a while since you really saw something you liked, something that would complement you and something that just plain fit really well with your life and your lifestyle and you are more than happy to have that around, but what happens when that’s no longer the case? Do you just hold onto it until it gets back to the basics? Or do you simply let it go and find something else that fits even better?

You be the judge. All I know is this….. With anything you buy or buy into, you always have to ask yourself if it’s worth what it costs. Shop smart ladies and gents.

I’m fortunate enough to know some people who I can trust with my ears. I LOVES me some music, but I really try to stray away from the typical relationship tunes, which makes it hard for me to like most music. A friend of mine put me on to this woman and told me I would love her. He was RIGHT! This lovely woman does multiple covers and does a damn good job. She covered Mos Def, Bob Marley, Andre 3000, and even DeAngelo, yet she managed to do it so gracefully! I can most definitely appreciate her voice and audacity to cover songs by men. Kudos to her! Check her out! (If you are already hip to her, I know what you’re thinking. I’m late I know, but better late than never!) Oh…and did I mention that this woman is beautiful too? Sheesh!

Here’s one of my personal favorites by this lovely lady:

And not to mention…she’s twitter-friendly

Make sure you check out the rest of her music…I promise you will not be disappointed… http://www.youtube.com/user/Marahruby22 and http://marahruby.bandcamp.com/